I’ve never been good at waiting. I always have to have a plan, always looking five steps ahead. I have a tendency to run ahead and do things my own way, and then pray afterwards that God will bless it.
But He’s been using this season of my life to teach me to relax, to be patient, to let go of MY plans and let HIS plans unfold on HIS timetable.
It hasn’t been easy. There’ve been times that I’ve been chomping at the bit to try and force something to happen. To take charge in hurrying God’s plans along.
Except it doesn’t work that way, and I’m finally getting the message.
But I think I’m finally starting to be allowed to move again, albeit with baby steps. Over these last few weeks I feel like God’s been planting some seeds in me, instilling new dreams and pointing me in new directions. I think this blog is part of that (by the by, how do you like the new look?).
I think I’m also being called to write my testimony about finding healing after my pregnancy losses. Not only for the losses themselves, but for all of the emotional and spiritual scars I bore–and there were a lot of them. I’ve been feeling for a while now like that’s something I’m supposed to share, but the time hasn’t felt right. But yesterday I obeyed an urge to open up a blank journal and start writing my story in it, and the words began to flow.
Today, as I stood in the kitchen making my lunch, I realized that I don’t really have a satisfying ending for my story yet. Like I said, I’m mostly still in a place of waiting. Although God has healed my brokenness and depression and put me back together whole, I don’t have a Hallmark movie ending — a successful pregnancy, a successful business, a bestselling book — something that, if my life were a novel, would provide a definitive “happy ending” and leave the reader feeling hopeful.
So I prayed, “Lord, it would sure help this book I think you’re telling me to write if I could give it a definitive ending.”
And this is the response I heard: “With Me there are no endings, only new beginnings.”
Of course, this is true. This is the God whose mercy is new every morning. Every day is a new beginning, with a clean slate. This is the same God who sent His Son to conquer death, so that even that is not an ending but merely the beginning of our next life.
Whatever He has planned for me and my husband as far as being parents goes, whether we’ll get to have a baby in our middle age, or be led to adopt, or make peace with being child-free, or something so totally unexpected it will blow our minds at God’s amazingness, it won’t be an ending to this story. It will just be the start of a new chapter.
There are other seeds I think He’s in the process of planting, but it’s too soon to talk about those just yet. Suffice to say that I’m starting to see a new vision taking shape, providing a new direction, and I’m daring to allow myself to get excited about it.
Because it is exciting, looking forward to seeing what God will do.
PS – Is God sewing any seeds in your life? Are you embarking on any new beginnings, big or small? I’d love to chat about your thoughts and experiences in the comments!
PPS – Join us for coffee and encouragement over at the Coffee For Your Heart weekly linkup at HolleyGerth.com!